love/hate

so goes my relationship with cities. the city itself, love. myself in a city, hate. i should probably tell you that the two cities (and i'm not talking about the 'burbs) i've actually lived in are oakland, california and salmiya, kuwait. both places i clearly don't belong. not in the no one wants you here sort of way (well, maybe that too), but in the, you clearly are not from here one. but those are the places i love to be, the ones where i don't belong (some sociologist should really study this.) 

oakland introduced me to that intial city toughness. the one where you walk down the street with a purpose, even if you don't have one. the toughness that says don't mess with me, i know where i'm going. this toughness requires a constant awareness of surroundings, a head held high, and a moderate pace indicative of neither meandering nor high-tailing it out of the neighborhood. kuwait's toughness is different. i still walk with that don't mess with me, i know where i am going persona, but my head faces the pavement.

one of my first days in kuwait i had lunch with my division head. she mentioned there were a lot of pot holes in the sidewalks and i should watch out for them (this is true, by the way.) perhaps, as neil suggested, what she was really giving me was advice on was how to walk as a woman. my head facing downward, as to avoid eye contact, especially with men. walking to school this morning i realized i was doing just that. unconsciously. walking with neil last night my head was high. alone. down. with a man. high. so the part about myself i hate in cities? i'm not myself at all.